times.

This is how i'm feeling today.

Times by Tenth Avenue North.
I know i need you
I need to love you
I love to see you, and its been so long
i long to feel you
i feel this need for you'
and i need to hear you
is that so wrong?
oh oh oh, oh oh oh, oh oh oh
now you pulled me near you
when we're close i fear you
still im afraid to tell you
all that i've done
are you done forgiving?
or can you look pass my pretending?
Lord i'm so tired of defending
what i've become
what have i become?
oh oh, oh oh, oh oh. (repeat 4)
i hear you say "my love is over,
its underneath, its inside, its in between
the times you doubt me, when you can't feel
the times that you've questioned 'is this for real?'
the times you've broken, the times that you mend
the times you hate me and the times that you bend
well my love is over, its underneath
its inside, its in between,
these times you're healing
and when your heart breaks
the times that you feel like you've fallen from grace
the times you're hurting
the times that you heal
the times you go hungry and are tempted to steal
in times of confusion and chaos and pain
im there in your sorrow under the weight of your shame
im there through your heartache
im there in the storm
my love i will keep you by my power alone
i dont care where you've fallen, where you have been
i'll never forsake you
my love never ends, it never ends
mmm, mmm
oh oh, oh oh, oh oh
http://tenthavenuenorth.com/media/music/external

the end gets me every time. im there in your sorrow under the weight of your shame
im there through your heartache
im there..
im there...
but then, why don't i live like this knowing the truth that God is there through everything. why does my head have to be so thick, convoluted and polluted with lies and insecurities? how do i live free?
I like reminders like this song.

life.

this fall here in the city has been interesting. I've been outside most of the time, meaning not inside studying and my grades can attest to that. but i'm ok with that. I will be a nurse when the end of school comes and as humbly as i can say i'll be a great one, i hope. i have discovered that i love to listen to just sit and have the ultimate privilege to hear what is going on in someones life. for that person to trust me enough to share what is on their heart, their fears, what frustrates them and also what give them joy. I cherish those moments spend with people,whether it's a patient i met that morning or a friend i've known for years, i love it all. and i think that is one of the greatest things that draws me to nursing. if i could i would love to just sit and talk with sick people all day. but i am here procrastinating yet again only wishing i was all done school.

this fall i have been learning that i have a love/hate relationship with hiking. I love the trekking through the forrests, the beauty of every tree, every leaf. I love when you finally reach your look off point (if any) and you feel this accomplishment. I truly love love love it. but i have hate. when you're at a steep incline and you know that its there for no reason, i hate the abstract thought of what it actually is. just walking in a forrest or along a trail, putting your body through heck, or walking aimlessly down a path that you don't know where you're going to end up. but these hates are what makes me love it more. i love that you still put one foot in front of the other just because you're headed somewhere, even though you don't want to go on after many many km, you still go. and for me that's life. life lived out. putting one foot in front of the other, not knowing what's around the next turn, but you keep moving. For all you know it could be just trees for 10km. Sometimes you hurt, and sometimes you hurt bad, and you get blisters but there is this odd drive inside you to stick it out until the end. i love it.

this fall in my mind space i've been trying to wrap my mind around this thought/dream of community. and i still haven't got it nailed down nor do i hope to. but there are these two quotes that keep mulling around in my head the first by Mother Teresa.
"we can do not great things, only small things with great love.
It is not how much you do bu how much love you put into doing it."

The second by Dietrich Bonhoeffer
"the person who loves their dream of community will destroy
community [ even if their intentions are ever so earnest], but
the person who loves those around them will create community"

So what does that mean? love until it hurts then keep on loving? maybe for some, maybe for others just stop, think about the ones around them. I've been struggling with the concept of a bible study, we sit, open our bibles, drink tea, read a chapter, and discuss, then pray for peoples, test,exams, jobs, etc. goodbye see you next week. Progress? my feelings nada. You sit, talk about a chapter when the person next to you could be struggling with a fight they had with their parents, or someone just so on fire that God showed up in their life today but we so focused on the structure. Now don't get me wrong structure is good and very good sometimes. Like i said i don't nearly have it figured out. But i long for i feel what God has impressed on me as a glimpse of community. A simple meal. People coming together. Eating together and learning from each other. Asking the questions, where did God show up in your life this week? What has been a struggle? What have you learned from your experiences of the week?
Community where ever you are out there. I hope this week i see a little more of you.

my jaw never dropped so hard...

this shocks me.

http://www.crystalcathedral.org/inchurch/

I encourage you to check it out. Unbelievable. this building, this so called church has 10,000 members, a 17 foot 18 karat gold cross, an outdoor movie screen for "drive-in" worshipers. And so this does not make sense to me. i thought Jesus was teaching and acting against this in mark 12. Jesus flips those tables that make the poor even poorer then they are. Seriously i find this ridiculous. Also when you go to this link above. Scroll down on the right side and look how happy the girl is in the button where it says accept Christ. then after clicking on that you will come to a screen where is says Yes, i want to accept Christ, say this prayer and boom you life is now perfect just like the girl in the picture. Please continue to live your life the same way, buying your expensive clothes made in sweatshops, driving SUVs, but please do come back to our church where you can give money to us so we can put up more 18 karat gold crosses in our megachurch. it gets me everytime. but sorry, i find this way of living unbelievable and please don't get me wrong i am far from perfect and i most certainly do not have well anything figured out. But from what i have read about Jesus and what he has actually said. This is not what Jesus wants in this world while there are children being beaten because they are exhausted working 10 hours or more in the poorest conditions, or going to bed each night with no food in their stomach. Now sure, God might be working in some powerful powerful ways at Crystal Cathedral but i just can't get past the size and money that would have been put into building and maintaining this church.
And there is a little cynical humor here, 3 people have committed suicide here? WHAT? yes suicide. I can't get my head around this one either. We're so desperately searching for new fresh life and we're hoping to find it in a safe church environment. now i don't know the reason for them doing this act, nor do i want to judge. I just hope this church learns from these acts, build your church on love, community and peace.

I write this with hesitation. my words are full of judgment, condemnation, and with the words of i have all the answers. I most definitely do not have it all together, i want to put this out there with an aching in my heart, and a plea that wow, I need to look at myself first. Do i actually know Jesus and what he is doing in this world. This church is just a reminder that i need follow galatians 5:25's lead that says "since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit" i need to sit down, slow down, have a coffee with Jesus at truly figure out where hes going and then get up and go. As i look around my room and as i search for that verse above, i have 5 Bibles just in my room. each in a different version. another WHAT? can be added here. And for some your jaw can be dropped at that. So am i the same as this church congregation? maybe so. I just hope that continually each day both of us and whoever reading takes one step forward, asking the Spirit to guide us into freedom, free us from condemnation, and show us what it truly means to follow Jesus.

my name is jenni and i don't have things figured out, nor do i really want to have everything figured out. what would be the fun,and excitement of following a God who you had all figured out.

Peace.

a hot shower never felt so nice.

I will set the scene.
10 men. (5 under 35, 5 over 35)
2 girls.
Keji national park.
One weekend.

I felt this weekend was needed, a time to breathe, refresh and listen. I don't think a smile left my face all weekend. Whether it was one of the "old" guys not understanding the young ones, or one of the old guys stories, or whether it was just looking all around at the beauty of it all.

Saturday we got up ate and set out to hike for the day. 21k, amazing hike. We hiked through this part called the Hemlocks. The trees were so great.



Heres us making the 11k back to our site around Big dam lake.

The girls.

Poor jeff was missing trick or treating so, the girls did no disappoint. Dressing up all spiffy he went around to the tents to get army men and candy.

Saturday night it was windy and rained pretty much all night. So many of us did not want to rise and shine sunday morning to make breakfast in the rain so with a vote we decided to pack it up, head to a diner and eat some breakfast. Afterward there were many full full stomachs.